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When to Ask for a Raise
Break into your boss’s home during the night and ask them in their sleep – They’ll agree just so you’ll leave them alone, and so they can go back to sleep. Be sure to record them saying “mmhmmm.”
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Considerate Burglar Leaves Invaded House Cleaner Than He Found It
“I only pick the locks as I personally think it’s rude when other thieves shatter a window which makes such a mess and headache for owners to clean up and replace. I always take my shoes off at the door to not drag in any dirt and clean up any dirt that was already there.”
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Turkey Just Thankful To Be Alive This Thanksgiving
Gobble claimed, “I certainly don’t take this luck for granted for I could be dead right now on a table with stuffing shoved so far up my ass, I’d be throwing it up.” He reported that he is also blessed to not be in a turkey factory farm.
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Even Spider Admits It Creeps Itself The Fuck Out
The tarantula opened up and admitted, “I’ve considered spinning and weaving myself a noose with my silk to hang myself ending my misery, but that would require me to do something spider-like which also freaks me the hell out.”
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Study Finds All Accidental Deaths Happen After Guardian Angels Clocked Out For The Day
HEAVEN, UNIVERSE – After looking at every single fatal accident that has happened since the beginning of time, a study published on Tuesday that the one common denominator between all of the deaths was that every single one of victims’ guardian angels were off the clock at the time of deaths. The data showed that
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Judge Awfully Judgmental Towards Others
A man who pleaded innocent yet was sentenced for life for murder expressed, “He clearly hasn’t done the Inner Work because everything he judges in us is just a projection of himself, so therefore he’s the guilty one!”
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Prospective Hitman Lists People Murdered Under Work Experience
EVANSTON, IL – Excited for the start of his new career freelancing as a hitman, Tom Benny has listed the numerous victims that he has killed under work experience on his resume. “I’ve heard you need to keep your resume to just one page, so I will have to leave a few of the names
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Study Finds To Ensure Good Night’s Rest, Pull All-Nighter Night Before
STANFORD, CA – A team of scientists at Stanford University published a study on Monday which revealed that a way to guarantee a night of restful sleep is to not get any of it the previous night. Knowing how vital sleep is to the human body and mind, this method ensures people to get REM
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Study Finds Losing an Arm and a Leg Does In Fact Cost an Arm and a Leg
“Our data showed the hefty price one pays when losing two limbs, and it ain’t cheap.”
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Facebook User Shares Memory From Three Hours Ago
“It’s crazy to think how much we’ve grown and changed in the last 180 minutes. If it weren’t for Facebook Memories feature, I totally would have forgotten this had happened.”
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